Monday, December 2, 2013

Mama Messed Up

Defeated.

That's about the best way I can describe myself right now, as I hide in a dark room with tear-stained cheeks.

What went wrong?

How did I turn into such a failure as a mom?

These are the questions that pour from my hurting heart as I ponder the deterioration of my day.

Probably worst of all, I feel like a hypocrite.  Just a couple hours ago, I had an intense one-on-one time with my daughter about her being so emotional.  I spoke to her about how to change your heart and deal with your nasty feelings when they make you want to do or say horrible things to your siblings... again and again.  I talked about making choices to let go of anger and let it be replaced by peace - and most importantly, how you can not blame others for your reactions - because let's face it... even if your little brother spills cereal on your craft, it does not give the right to push him and scream and explode with fury.

But when push comes to shove (and push my buttons, those 6 kids sure do) I am at fault.  I respond wrongly.  I sin against my kids with a tone of voice that cuts and I respond with a frustration that bruises their little hearts.

All I can say is that I have another fantastic opportunity to model repentance to my children.
I will ask them to forgive my harshness and anger towards them.
I will hug them and make sure we are "okay" with each other.
I'll show them that mistakes happen... but the real mistake would be in not repairing what was broken down.

Moms and dads, we don't have to be super-heroes to our children.  Because after a while, your kids can see through your disguise and the costume (or rather the role) that you wear in your child's presence won't glimmer like it used to.   So instead of pretending, and trying to maintain that "authority-perfection-super-parent" image in the eyes of your child, you have the opportunity to be genuine and to show your kids how relationships should work in the real world.  You have to chance to teach them how to handle mistakes, ask for forgiveness and experience the beauty of reconciliation.

I wish I didn't make mistakes as a mother, I really do.  And I'm not writing this post as a way to excuse myself for being angry or frustrated; that it's all okay just because it means I'm teaching my kids to say "sorry".  No, I don't like my mistakes and I will endeavor to improve.  I will seek encouragement when I need it and look to resources to improve my parenting... until the last kid has grown up and moves out!  However, the beauty... the silver lining to my cloudy, gloomy moments - is that I can equip my kids to do relationships well.  In my acts of repentance, I'm modeling the behavior that will one day impact their future friendships, marriages and even the raising of their own children.


1 comment:

Melanie Woodward said...

This took humility. Thank you for sharing. When we are willing to be honest, ALL of us have been there. I have had to repent to my daughters before and told them that I sinned for yelling or getting angry. Now from time to time, my 3 year old will say when I am reprimanding her (even if there is no anger), "Mommy, you sinned." Ha! We are all still figuring it out...together :-)