Wednesday, September 26, 2007

It's a boy!

Yahoo! We found out we're going to be having another boy!
I have been on cloud nine since my doctor's appointment on Monday. I feel so much happiness and like our family will be complete. I'm so glad Ethan doesn't have to be disappointed and that the kids' prayers have been answered. (My prayers too, although I was almost afraid to ask!)

YAHOOOOO! A big thank you to God for this one!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Do I measure up?

Things that mean I'm an okay mom:
I painted pictures with the kids
I made fresh bread for them (okay, I used the breadmaker)
I did a load of laundry
I helped Ethan practice piano and took him to his lesson
I breastfed my 1 1/2 year old (I haven't weaned her yet mostly because I know it is so good for her)
I made lunch for my family
I helped all 3 "big" kids with a little bit of schoolwork

Why do I feel so badly about myself? I struggle constantly with wanting to get more done, and do more and be better... I feel like I'm lacking in so many ways. I don't want anyone to read my blog anymore or they'll think I'm a depressed person. Dan tells me all the time that I'm the best Mommy he knows out of all our friends (so kind of him to say!) but I feel like I lack in so many areas.

On Saturday and Sunday I started to get scared a little about this baby, that something might be wrong because I wasn't really feeling much movement. The thing is, it's still pretty early, so it's not like I should have been feeling a lot of regular movement yet. But I started to get scared again. I HATE that fear. Like I have no control over the situation, yet it is so close to me that I should be able to do something!!!! Finally, on Sunday, I realized that what I needed to recognise is that this is Gods baby all the way. I have to surrender this baby to God, doing my best, but ultimately this baby belongs to Him. And I guess that's the way it is with my other kids too. They belong to God. I should do what I can, but they belong to Him, and I have to trust Him with my kids' lives and hearts.

I'm trying, I'm trying. I just long to be better. And I don't think that is totally wrong - as long as I'm not grovelling in the dirt, beating myself up in self-pity. I have to take my eyes off myself. See, I'm preaching to myself now. I can do this right... just have to look to God a whole lot more!!!!

By the way, I had an ultrasound on Monday and baby is completely healthy and perfect the way he/she should be. Yay!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Happy Heart

Okay, I've been looking back on my blogs and I feel like I've been so NEGATIVE! Egad! It's not that I spend all my time depressed... I guess this has just been a place to really sort out my feelings.

I am very happy and thankful for healthy, beautiful kids. Sure I worry about them sometimes, and wonder if I'm doing things right or doing enough, but I really should trust God to take care of them. And I do.

I'm happy and thankful for a GREAT marriage. We have our growing pains, but we are growing - closer and more in love all the time. We don't fight and we don't disagree on where we should be going in life. It is wonderful to have that kind of harmony.

There... I feel a little better. As they say in Veggietales "A thankful heart is a happy heart". It's okay for me to be working through things with God, but I want to make sure I'm not always in a dark hole when I post. Sometimes I need to fix my thoughts on the good things!