Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Truth and Lies

I'm almost at a loss... it's difficult to see a young child with such a blaring fault that they can't seem to overcome. My 7 1/2 year old daughter has been lying and stealing in a big way, and it's out of control! It leaves me thinking - what am I doing wrong as a parent? How have we failed her?

There's nothing I can do but turn to the Word of God and pray.
And I'm so very thankful for the help God gives me!

I've begun to have my daughter memorize a series of verses from Psalm 51:

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

I took some time to explain these scriptures to my daughter, and show her how she can use it as a prayer. I guess all I can do now is trust God to do the work.

And one last little note... as a parent, I'm so glad for the help of Holy Spirit - there's been a few times the past two days where I've had to ask Him: "Did Sabrina just lie to me?" And He gives me the answer. And the wisdom to deal with the situation.

Friday, May 11, 2007

I feel the sun warming me up

I can sing again.

I think that the sunshine is beginning to peek through the clouds and I can feel God's love a little more every day.

Last week, I had to be the MC for a woman's breakfast being hosted by our church, and while I was okay "acting" cheerful and chatting with people about totally unrelated issues, I found that when they got on stage to sing a couple worship choruses, I just couldn't do it. I had to stand at the back, hiding myself away, only able to mouth a few of the words in each song. It broke my heart to sing to God, the God who is over all the earth, who watches over us all.

However, as the week progresses, I'm finding the melody in my heart again. It sneaks up on me - it's like God's word and love is written on my heart, and no matter the trials or struggles, it can't help but bloom and grow.

Psalm 139
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

I'm not alone. There is a light that shines and pierces the darkness. I can lift my voice up to the God who sees all; who knows all; who understands my heart.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

This is just how I feel...

My heart is so soft now I think I could almost describe it as squishy. Ha ha... and maybe a little bit broken, too.
I have a heightened awareness of how precious my kids are. I find myself almost wanting to wake them up at night; I'll be overcome by a panic attack, feeling like I didn't love them enough while they were awake.
I just want to get on with my life, but I also feel horrible and don't want to ever forget about my sweety that will never walk on this side of life. I'm trying to picture heaven and wonder what life is like for my baby there.
Right now, the positive thing that I can be thankful for is how much more I love my kids and husband. I'm thankful for a heart that is sensitive to life around me and that I find it so much more precious now.
Yet I'm finding life a lot more exhausting right now. I don't want to keep thinking or writing about anything else right now because it hurts too much.

Friday, May 4, 2007

It will be okay (but God is waiting to hear from me)

I haven’t talked to God about this yet. I prayed so much during the entire situation; I was confessing the Word, standing on my rights as a believer in Christ.
When I was in the hospital, in the middle of the night, I had gone to the bathroom and ended up passing out and falling down, hitting my face on the floor. I called out to God. Nothing felt real.
I sang to myself over and over in bed, caressing my lower abdomen with my hands, singing a children’s memory verse song that my kids listen to: “You knit me together in my mother’s womb…I praise you, I praise you… You knit me together in my mother’s womb. Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made… I praise you, I praise you… Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Over and over I sang. It was all I could do. I just had to believe that God was taking care of my baby.
Do I feel let down? I don’t really know. I guess I just feel like something was wrong with the baby, and it couldn’t survive in this world.
Part of me feels so sad though, and guilty… like I didn’t want the baby enough. Like maybe I didn’t try hard enough or get serious enough as soon as the bleeding started.
Yet I knew the facts. I knew that if a miscarriage is going to happen (in the first trimester) that there is nothing ANYONE can do. I know in my head that this really isn’t my fault. There is just a sadness in me though that wonders “why?” and wishes there was more I could do.
I don’t know when I’ll be able to talk to God. I don’t want to get angry at Him, but I still wonder why this happened. Why does an innocent, very much wanted and anticipated baby have to die? Especially when there are hundreds of thousands (maybe more) babies who aren’t wanted and are aborted every year. I wanted this baby! I would have loved it! I’ve got kids who would have adored it, cared for it, welcomed it into the family with happy hearts and open arms!
I think God is waiting for me. And He certainly is big enough to handle my outbursts, fear, and pain – even accusations. I sense that He is there, waiting to comfort me. But I know He is patient. He understands that I don’t feel ready. I’m scared to face this, and face the feelings inside of me. I’ll talk to Him soon though. I know that despite the agony and uncertainty and fears that I have; I know that I will ultimately be okay.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Saying Goodbye

(After a weekend of bleeding, yesterday in the hospital, I found out that I had lost my baby. I was nine weeks pregnant. I'm trying to sort out my feelings a little.)

I'm saying good-bye to someone I never knew.

I'm not ready to ask God "why?"

My heart is comforted by the little warm bodies that come and visit me in bed as I rest and recover. I'm so thankful for my healthy, perfect children.

I've been crying off and on all day.

Jesus, could you give my baby one kiss from Mommy? Please hold my baby close for a while and I will one day be there to hug and hold my little one.